to curious

I got told today the only thing getting in between me and what i want to know is the fact that im to curious. and theres me sitting there like YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH! its stopped me before, im almost never satisfied with the answers i get. unless of course the answer is love. in which case there are no further questions. 10 years thats all i've got its divided into 3 chunks a) 4 years to get myself together and  get everything i need and sort everything out b)3 and a 1/2 years of complete being on fire of starting what i need to start c) 3 and a 1/2 years of fighting for the only thing thats remained constant in my life, the only thing i have hope in.
and then we take it from there.
if what i've heard is true, i doubt i'll make it that long.
just dont tell anyone i like to give of a 'imma beat you cos i wont die' kinda attitude.
im lucky i guess, i turn 16 in 6 days. if i look back at my life, and all the stuff i've been put i or got myself into, it's a miracle i made it this far. thats the thing though, my curiosity/desire gets me there my head/heart gets me out. i wish this they could see that. any yes what you desire and what your heart wants are 2 different things.

thats all then

gerks

xoxo

so yeaha no.2

chilled out, running in circles, stepping backwards, out of touch, confused without caring, in fact without a care.

tired. very tired.

confused? i would be if i was going by thought and not by emotion.

but emotion is what i chose to listen to now. for the time being.

probabley till the point that the emotions become to painful even for me to block or roll with.



but for now:

Life is day to day,
Age is always moving on
Love is Forever.




so forever will define me


gerks

xoxo

blargh illness sucks

im ill. i cant talk. my head hurts. my nose resembles a tap. and im cold.

o yeah and i think i started hallucinating last night

c ya

gerks

xoxo

any form of medication is welcome :P

;)

just rediscovered my azeri vodka

;)

gerks

wish me luck for tomorrow

xoxo

so yeaha

i have many things i could say with this post. some of which could be humbling or awe-inspiring or due to the fact i had to spell check the last two words it could simply be just one more person ranting. and so due to the fact i know no one will actually read this i can confidently say that this is just going to be the rantings of a young and completely unique ( and i use that word with everything it implies).
 ao i guess i'll just start
so one of the things people tell me is that when you grow up and experience things you'll understand and become wiser. but heres the thing in the last 3 years i've experienced love, break ups, cheating, suicide, shootings, self-harm, madness, medication, dance, and GCSEs. and i can honestly say that the only thing that i know more about or understand is my GCSEs (which are totally getting easier, im not just saying that, they REALLY are!). but as much as most people would say "o i wish i could go back" i dont because then i wouldnt 'understand', but at the same time the only change in me isnt wisdom or empathy its the 'understanding' that the world sucks. and before i would of done something i mean i would of really made a difference.  but now, i see what i can do, i see the great effect it would have, and i do NOTHING.
because thats what growing up is isnt it?! its being ok with things being crap because it doesnt effect you, and then when it does effect you feeling so bad about it that you forget that worse things are happening and so all you do is blame other people for not comeing to the rescue. when lets face it, your the one who grew up.
someone once said growing up is haveing a dream and leaving it because its impractical.
well screw practicality! i have a dream and i aint afraid to use it!!!!


over and out

gerks

xoxo

guess who dropped by :)

so heres the thing. i did crawl back. and so did they. and i dont care.
even if this goes completely wrong this time i know where i stand. i wont get confused. i wont let them have my heart.

not just yet :P

gerks

xoxo

those days

someone once told me about their theory about substitute people. people who wander through life becoming friends to people who need them at one point and then when they dont need them just movie on again and again and again. and i've wondered if i am one of them for a while. now i know i am. when ever i feel like there is a moment when i feel im ment to be here like i actually belong i realize that i dont. people need me for a bit maybe a few weeks or months maybe even a year, but after that, when they dont need me everything becomes harder. they walk away or i do thats just the way it is. i float through peoples lives and they remember me, maybe, as a distant memory, something that has no emotional contact with them any more, just something that happened someone they used to know.
see i dont mind this its comforting really that i dont actually have to worry about getting hurt because im not going to be there for long. but what hurts is the way that the moment that i begin to think that maybe you care enough to want me to stay, just a little bit longer i realize that you dont. you never need me, you never needed me, you use me, again, and again, and when your done you call me stupid and throw me away. and what do i do. i crawl back. because for once in my life i thought i knew someone. i thought i knew you. and i thought you knew me well enough. after everything i've done i realize that i know nothing about you and the reason i dont is because you dont want to let me in and i dont want to get hurt again. and so i look away i try and go i try and find people who i know cant hurt me. and i find them i become a substitute again, and i get comfortable switching from one broken person to another. and then you show your face, and im reminded of the good times when it was just you and me and a weird tree, when you cared about me enough to wait with me. and so i crawl back trying not to get my hopes up but knowing that in talking to you i already have.
and so we talk, and i think that maybe we can start again and i can learn about you again, the new you, the one im talking to know.
but then i say something, i fuck up. and you call me names. you say im stupid. you tell me im just like the rest of them. and i know i am.

and so here i am. praying yet again about what to do. walk away and let my heart rip again. or stay and fight for a friendship with a person i no longer know, and take all the crap that they throw at me. stand up for them even when i know in my heart that its not right.  

because i owe them?

but fuck it i am this close to giving up.

over and out

gerks

xoxo

pain vs pain

i've just realised that i will never be good with pain. but i will also never wait for things too happen.

so waiting to heal is THE worst thing that happens to me.

and its happening now.

fuck it. im dancing.

gerks
xoxo

okay..

so theres blood all over my knees but i cat quite work out where the blood is actually coming from...

gerks

xoxo

empty cupboards

i would firstly like to appologise for the down tone of this piece.

ive looked through the cupboards about 20 times now, today. hoping and silently praying that something anything will magically appear other than cider and sauces. im telling myself the polos i bought yesterday and had half today is enough, i was given food this morning, i was struggling to eat it, but i did. i needed it. i spent the night with friends, one of them was next to me, they herd how much my stomach rumbeled. he kept telling my off for my shivering, it wasn't in a mean way, but still i new the only reason i was was because i was scared, scared if i look at reality i wont be able to take it.

theres wispered silences in my house today. my grandma has two cancerous growths, but she'll be fine its not the first time this has happened to her. my mum on the otherhand has found the exact same thing.

im scared.

im scared of messing up again, so i dont think im even going to be able to restart that friendship simply because i dont want to be hurt like that. not again, not like before, or the time before that.

i want to love recklessly
abandon myself upon you
i wanna open up my heart
tell you how i feel

thats what i want. but i cant do it. i cant look you in the eye and tell you my secret. my horrible, dark, painful, shameful secret. instead i say im unsure and broken. and either way it hurts.

but this way you dont know how much.

(soz for the weird shizz but yeah)

gerks

xoxo

howl into the wind

when a wolf howls the pack comes running.

i had a pack.

now its just me, i messed it up.

lone wolf.


aka a bitch

gerks

xoxo

im such a cool skater girl......ish

so today was my first day at skate boarding, and probably my last...
im gonna admit it here and now i fail at boarding. and my so people i know who happened to turn up will back that up.

but i've got the look down.

gerks

xoxo

the results of blahh

the results of blahh can be good or bad or very very awkward. im not entirely sure which one yet, i think bad through awkward with the result of good :) eventually...
its like the the cycle of friendships

• you get to know each other
• you like what you know so you become closer
• and closer
• and closer
• to the point where you know the bad stuff as well
• but you accept/ignore the bad because, well because they let you in
• then something happens an epiphany or an event and you see them the real them the good the bad and the ugly.
• you fight, you cry, you kick up a big fuss and pray that its not true
• then theres the silence, for a few days months or even years when you either wait for them or get on with your life
• but then you se them again
• and you try again

but sometimes the cycle breaks,

and it kills because all the love and time you put into that friendship it all comes back, comes back as anger and sadness and bitterness and so many other things that never crossed your mind when you started to get them

but where do we stand?

let me know

please

Gerks

xoxo

Straight as a fuckin rainbow

So I'm halfway through my Easter break - one I thought would be pretty crap. But in reality has been exactly what I needed,cc I reconnect with friends and family I had been ignoring at my convenience. Friendships have healed yay. And most importantly I have a new found trust and peace with God that I havent felt since I was a kid :) I'm not angry about anything at the moment. And I now feel it appropriate to apologise for previous posts as I feel many may be unjustified in my protrayal of those individuals.

Gtg

Gerks

Xoxo

hmm

its taken me a while to realise that your not always gonna get the reaction you need. i know it sound stupid but in my mind everyone gets what they need, but its not like that there is no magical place you can go to to get what you need.

but this time maybe what i need is a little self control.

understatement

im not good at self control. i cant keep my mouth shut. i cant control my emotions. i cant think long term. i cant stick to a plan. i cant be well nice.

hmm

to all those who i "fucked over"
im sorry, i've said it over the phone but im not sure whether you realised i ment it.

soz

gerks

xoxo

random pissed ramblings

so yeah, i'm seriously pissed. i think its because as much as my previously mentioned brother tries to seem like the good guy all of a sudden its like i realize why he buggs me so much. because hes two completely different people. 1) the caring great brother who listens to me and always tries to be there and helps in any way he can 2) the complete asshole who believes that im some kind of toy that he can just turn on and off.

my days.

i dont know why i let it bug me so much. its almost as though well i cant put it into words.

i guess that maybe if i go cold turkey out of choice it could do alot of good.

but hey thatst all

gerks


xoxo

random shizz

so here i stand with arms high and heart abandoned in awe of the one who gave it all. and i'll stand my heart lord to you surrendered. all i am is yours.

weird lyrics but wtf.
 gerks

physics with cece and iona

here i am again, a whole 20 mins later.

physics no work. all i can say is
LOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

that and the fact that apparently steph looks like and quote
"eurh mate you look like one of 'em jews from dem concentration camps!!"
thank you for that luke

mr chwnananananana or whatever his name is has retreated to trying to look imposing whilst everyone else laughs there heads off either at him or about him. its soooo funny hehe

but hey im sure theres a good use for my time here today. but im pretty sure this aint it.

o yeah

cece and iona are on my table and i should probaley mention them, they're pretty jokes. Iona is cussing stephan and his hair and is doing a surprisingly good job. whilst cece takes the complete piss outa him and joshie.

lols punk.
look it up.

c ya

gerks

xoxo

random ramblings of a borred student

so here i am. in ict, borred out my mind trying to remember why i was ment to be learning the formulas that will add up numbers when to be honest it would be far easier to use like A CALCULATOR or ya know if your not that lazy you could use like i dont know YOUR BRAIN!!!!

heres how my day has gone so far: biology-test, personal finance-warning about how if we fail our impending test we will die and become poor (in that order), maths- a rather slow teacher with no control over a class or to be honest pretty smart kids, who is helping us FAIL our maths gcse, chemistry - test and marking (whey), ict- other lecture on how failing the next test will result in our complete and utter failiure as humans
and our next lesson is PHYSICS

yay.

I Hate Mondays.

theres no one reading this which is probably a good thing as I know that at some point i'll write something i regret. I am currently watching my mate steph look completely confused as he tries to stuff a pen in his mouth, whilst israle pounds his fist as we share a private joke, jimmy who looks even more confused than normal, iona staring at me in silence with her eyes as wide as possible. sanchia, cece, luke, josh and elliot laughing about something to do with bounceing balls. april looks as if she is slowly slipping into a comma.

and mr boyel trying desperatly to control our class. i feel sorry for him. but i'm sure we're a good learnign experience for him.


gerks xoxo

cold turkey

so here i am once again, my mistakes limiting my future. well done kirstyn really.

see i did something which helped two people in a very bizarre way, the problem is theres a punishment for my "helpfulness" (and i use that term lightly) which is probably one of the harder things i have had to do.

i've quit drugs, stopped obsessions, killed habits, stopped letting individuals carry on being in my life. but going cold turkey on my brother. MY BROTHER. thats something i dont know if i want to be strong enough for. last time i did it was bad very bad for both of us.. and well a few other people. I know that i can and i have to in order to save a very valuable friendship, its just this, this isnt something i had planned out there is no backup plan. no sneaky ideas to get my way, no tricks, no lies, no manipulation, nothing i can use to get things the way i want them. Because that would defeat the purpose.

i have always looked at things in the bigger picture, and i do whatever i can to get the best possible outcome whether thats for me my friends or something completely different. I did what i had to do to make the bigger picture work. its the smaller picture here and now im struggling with. see when repercussions of my actions happen i know what they are how long they'll last for and what the change will be.

the effects this time around short term are hard, going cold turkey on a friend is one thing. on a BROTHER slightly different. i've never done this before as a "punishment" type thing. my two main concerns are that i will 1) give in and start talking to him hence betraying a friendship and a trust in me or 2) watch myself crash and burn due to the fact that well its me and i have a tendency to do that.

so yeah all in all a bad week where i made good decisions that hurt me.

xoxo

so i almost got to church on time today, so close, earliest in months but ya know still not quite on time.

i've been down for quite a while, i dunno its just me. until yesterday. Yesterday, I was hanging out with a friend of mine, who tbh has been closer than any friend I have ever known and we were kinda ejits last year.
but for the first time in almost a year i felt safe.
like some one knew me, someone who i could let in and they would do the same. I always felt safe with my friend, i respected them but i would never let them know that.

I was angry at them for such a long time. they lied, and they made me believe and have hope in those lies. And then i realized that the reason I had believed those lies was because I wanted to learn more about them. I sort of want to learn constantly I want to learn more and more and more. and so I guess that thats what I wanted, to see what it was like. sounds stupid. but, I risked everything on knowing what something could be like.

But I guess if you knew me that wouldn't come as a surprise.

But now. Now is different.

Now I've got my Nakama.

lookin up

so yeah, things are lookin up.

• i've gathered the courage to talk to an old friend whos ment alot to me in the past - still does, jus not in the same way  
• ive broken down a hell of a lota walls drawing on my "inner strength" that everyone keeps telling me i've got
• i fit in.... its kinda weird... i fit in with ...wait for it.. normal people, my age, i know weird but hey
• therapy is working, apparently my main and only problem is that i "think to much". no joke.
• im finally over stuff that happened in the past 2/3 years.
• i've forgiven myself for this year
• i'm facing the consequences of what i've done
• i've set up my own youth group which is thriving and can now stand on its own two feet after only  couple of months

i have seen how i hurt alot of people last year, and i've changed like really really changed.
to the point where my school mates would descibe a whole different person.


 trustworthy.

starting off

so yeah, as you can tell this is my first post, i mean i had another blog but im constantly forgetting things like passwords and stuff :P thats the first thing you know about me.

another thing you should probably know is that my nicknames gerkin... yeah a childhood thing, something bout the shape of my head I had a very bad very ugly hair cut :S but hey at least now I have discovered - with the help of a very nice hairdresser at butlins - the wonders of layering.

so yeah first post promise there will be better ad worse things but hey

whatcha gonna do ?

gerkin
xoxo