so i almost got to church on time today, so close, earliest in months but ya know still not quite on time.

i've been down for quite a while, i dunno its just me. until yesterday. Yesterday, I was hanging out with a friend of mine, who tbh has been closer than any friend I have ever known and we were kinda ejits last year.
but for the first time in almost a year i felt safe.
like some one knew me, someone who i could let in and they would do the same. I always felt safe with my friend, i respected them but i would never let them know that.

I was angry at them for such a long time. they lied, and they made me believe and have hope in those lies. And then i realized that the reason I had believed those lies was because I wanted to learn more about them. I sort of want to learn constantly I want to learn more and more and more. and so I guess that thats what I wanted, to see what it was like. sounds stupid. but, I risked everything on knowing what something could be like.

But I guess if you knew me that wouldn't come as a surprise.

But now. Now is different.

Now I've got my Nakama.

lookin up

so yeah, things are lookin up.

• i've gathered the courage to talk to an old friend whos ment alot to me in the past - still does, jus not in the same way  
• ive broken down a hell of a lota walls drawing on my "inner strength" that everyone keeps telling me i've got
• i fit in.... its kinda weird... i fit in with ...wait for it.. normal people, my age, i know weird but hey
• therapy is working, apparently my main and only problem is that i "think to much". no joke.
• im finally over stuff that happened in the past 2/3 years.
• i've forgiven myself for this year
• i'm facing the consequences of what i've done
• i've set up my own youth group which is thriving and can now stand on its own two feet after only  couple of months

i have seen how i hurt alot of people last year, and i've changed like really really changed.
to the point where my school mates would descibe a whole different person.


 trustworthy.