to curious

I got told today the only thing getting in between me and what i want to know is the fact that im to curious. and theres me sitting there like YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH! its stopped me before, im almost never satisfied with the answers i get. unless of course the answer is love. in which case there are no further questions. 10 years thats all i've got its divided into 3 chunks a) 4 years to get myself together and  get everything i need and sort everything out b)3 and a 1/2 years of complete being on fire of starting what i need to start c) 3 and a 1/2 years of fighting for the only thing thats remained constant in my life, the only thing i have hope in.
and then we take it from there.
if what i've heard is true, i doubt i'll make it that long.
just dont tell anyone i like to give of a 'imma beat you cos i wont die' kinda attitude.
im lucky i guess, i turn 16 in 6 days. if i look back at my life, and all the stuff i've been put i or got myself into, it's a miracle i made it this far. thats the thing though, my curiosity/desire gets me there my head/heart gets me out. i wish this they could see that. any yes what you desire and what your heart wants are 2 different things.

thats all then

gerks

xoxo

so yeaha no.2

chilled out, running in circles, stepping backwards, out of touch, confused without caring, in fact without a care.

tired. very tired.

confused? i would be if i was going by thought and not by emotion.

but emotion is what i chose to listen to now. for the time being.

probabley till the point that the emotions become to painful even for me to block or roll with.



but for now:

Life is day to day,
Age is always moving on
Love is Forever.




so forever will define me


gerks

xoxo

blargh illness sucks

im ill. i cant talk. my head hurts. my nose resembles a tap. and im cold.

o yeah and i think i started hallucinating last night

c ya

gerks

xoxo

any form of medication is welcome :P

;)

just rediscovered my azeri vodka

;)

gerks

wish me luck for tomorrow

xoxo

so yeaha

i have many things i could say with this post. some of which could be humbling or awe-inspiring or due to the fact i had to spell check the last two words it could simply be just one more person ranting. and so due to the fact i know no one will actually read this i can confidently say that this is just going to be the rantings of a young and completely unique ( and i use that word with everything it implies).
 ao i guess i'll just start
so one of the things people tell me is that when you grow up and experience things you'll understand and become wiser. but heres the thing in the last 3 years i've experienced love, break ups, cheating, suicide, shootings, self-harm, madness, medication, dance, and GCSEs. and i can honestly say that the only thing that i know more about or understand is my GCSEs (which are totally getting easier, im not just saying that, they REALLY are!). but as much as most people would say "o i wish i could go back" i dont because then i wouldnt 'understand', but at the same time the only change in me isnt wisdom or empathy its the 'understanding' that the world sucks. and before i would of done something i mean i would of really made a difference.  but now, i see what i can do, i see the great effect it would have, and i do NOTHING.
because thats what growing up is isnt it?! its being ok with things being crap because it doesnt effect you, and then when it does effect you feeling so bad about it that you forget that worse things are happening and so all you do is blame other people for not comeing to the rescue. when lets face it, your the one who grew up.
someone once said growing up is haveing a dream and leaving it because its impractical.
well screw practicality! i have a dream and i aint afraid to use it!!!!


over and out

gerks

xoxo

guess who dropped by :)

so heres the thing. i did crawl back. and so did they. and i dont care.
even if this goes completely wrong this time i know where i stand. i wont get confused. i wont let them have my heart.

not just yet :P

gerks

xoxo

those days

someone once told me about their theory about substitute people. people who wander through life becoming friends to people who need them at one point and then when they dont need them just movie on again and again and again. and i've wondered if i am one of them for a while. now i know i am. when ever i feel like there is a moment when i feel im ment to be here like i actually belong i realize that i dont. people need me for a bit maybe a few weeks or months maybe even a year, but after that, when they dont need me everything becomes harder. they walk away or i do thats just the way it is. i float through peoples lives and they remember me, maybe, as a distant memory, something that has no emotional contact with them any more, just something that happened someone they used to know.
see i dont mind this its comforting really that i dont actually have to worry about getting hurt because im not going to be there for long. but what hurts is the way that the moment that i begin to think that maybe you care enough to want me to stay, just a little bit longer i realize that you dont. you never need me, you never needed me, you use me, again, and again, and when your done you call me stupid and throw me away. and what do i do. i crawl back. because for once in my life i thought i knew someone. i thought i knew you. and i thought you knew me well enough. after everything i've done i realize that i know nothing about you and the reason i dont is because you dont want to let me in and i dont want to get hurt again. and so i look away i try and go i try and find people who i know cant hurt me. and i find them i become a substitute again, and i get comfortable switching from one broken person to another. and then you show your face, and im reminded of the good times when it was just you and me and a weird tree, when you cared about me enough to wait with me. and so i crawl back trying not to get my hopes up but knowing that in talking to you i already have.
and so we talk, and i think that maybe we can start again and i can learn about you again, the new you, the one im talking to know.
but then i say something, i fuck up. and you call me names. you say im stupid. you tell me im just like the rest of them. and i know i am.

and so here i am. praying yet again about what to do. walk away and let my heart rip again. or stay and fight for a friendship with a person i no longer know, and take all the crap that they throw at me. stand up for them even when i know in my heart that its not right.  

because i owe them?

but fuck it i am this close to giving up.

over and out

gerks

xoxo