those days

someone once told me about their theory about substitute people. people who wander through life becoming friends to people who need them at one point and then when they dont need them just movie on again and again and again. and i've wondered if i am one of them for a while. now i know i am. when ever i feel like there is a moment when i feel im ment to be here like i actually belong i realize that i dont. people need me for a bit maybe a few weeks or months maybe even a year, but after that, when they dont need me everything becomes harder. they walk away or i do thats just the way it is. i float through peoples lives and they remember me, maybe, as a distant memory, something that has no emotional contact with them any more, just something that happened someone they used to know.
see i dont mind this its comforting really that i dont actually have to worry about getting hurt because im not going to be there for long. but what hurts is the way that the moment that i begin to think that maybe you care enough to want me to stay, just a little bit longer i realize that you dont. you never need me, you never needed me, you use me, again, and again, and when your done you call me stupid and throw me away. and what do i do. i crawl back. because for once in my life i thought i knew someone. i thought i knew you. and i thought you knew me well enough. after everything i've done i realize that i know nothing about you and the reason i dont is because you dont want to let me in and i dont want to get hurt again. and so i look away i try and go i try and find people who i know cant hurt me. and i find them i become a substitute again, and i get comfortable switching from one broken person to another. and then you show your face, and im reminded of the good times when it was just you and me and a weird tree, when you cared about me enough to wait with me. and so i crawl back trying not to get my hopes up but knowing that in talking to you i already have.
and so we talk, and i think that maybe we can start again and i can learn about you again, the new you, the one im talking to know.
but then i say something, i fuck up. and you call me names. you say im stupid. you tell me im just like the rest of them. and i know i am.

and so here i am. praying yet again about what to do. walk away and let my heart rip again. or stay and fight for a friendship with a person i no longer know, and take all the crap that they throw at me. stand up for them even when i know in my heart that its not right.  

because i owe them?

but fuck it i am this close to giving up.

over and out

gerks

xoxo

pain vs pain

i've just realised that i will never be good with pain. but i will also never wait for things too happen.

so waiting to heal is THE worst thing that happens to me.

and its happening now.

fuck it. im dancing.

gerks
xoxo

okay..

so theres blood all over my knees but i cat quite work out where the blood is actually coming from...

gerks

xoxo