empty cupboards

i would firstly like to appologise for the down tone of this piece.

ive looked through the cupboards about 20 times now, today. hoping and silently praying that something anything will magically appear other than cider and sauces. im telling myself the polos i bought yesterday and had half today is enough, i was given food this morning, i was struggling to eat it, but i did. i needed it. i spent the night with friends, one of them was next to me, they herd how much my stomach rumbeled. he kept telling my off for my shivering, it wasn't in a mean way, but still i new the only reason i was was because i was scared, scared if i look at reality i wont be able to take it.

theres wispered silences in my house today. my grandma has two cancerous growths, but she'll be fine its not the first time this has happened to her. my mum on the otherhand has found the exact same thing.

im scared.

im scared of messing up again, so i dont think im even going to be able to restart that friendship simply because i dont want to be hurt like that. not again, not like before, or the time before that.

i want to love recklessly
abandon myself upon you
i wanna open up my heart
tell you how i feel

thats what i want. but i cant do it. i cant look you in the eye and tell you my secret. my horrible, dark, painful, shameful secret. instead i say im unsure and broken. and either way it hurts.

but this way you dont know how much.

(soz for the weird shizz but yeah)

gerks

xoxo

howl into the wind

when a wolf howls the pack comes running.

i had a pack.

now its just me, i messed it up.

lone wolf.


aka a bitch

gerks

xoxo

im such a cool skater girl......ish

so today was my first day at skate boarding, and probably my last...
im gonna admit it here and now i fail at boarding. and my so people i know who happened to turn up will back that up.

but i've got the look down.

gerks

xoxo

the results of blahh

the results of blahh can be good or bad or very very awkward. im not entirely sure which one yet, i think bad through awkward with the result of good :) eventually...
its like the the cycle of friendships

• you get to know each other
• you like what you know so you become closer
• and closer
• and closer
• to the point where you know the bad stuff as well
• but you accept/ignore the bad because, well because they let you in
• then something happens an epiphany or an event and you see them the real them the good the bad and the ugly.
• you fight, you cry, you kick up a big fuss and pray that its not true
• then theres the silence, for a few days months or even years when you either wait for them or get on with your life
• but then you se them again
• and you try again

but sometimes the cycle breaks,

and it kills because all the love and time you put into that friendship it all comes back, comes back as anger and sadness and bitterness and so many other things that never crossed your mind when you started to get them

but where do we stand?

let me know

please

Gerks

xoxo