empty cupboards

i would firstly like to appologise for the down tone of this piece.

ive looked through the cupboards about 20 times now, today. hoping and silently praying that something anything will magically appear other than cider and sauces. im telling myself the polos i bought yesterday and had half today is enough, i was given food this morning, i was struggling to eat it, but i did. i needed it. i spent the night with friends, one of them was next to me, they herd how much my stomach rumbeled. he kept telling my off for my shivering, it wasn't in a mean way, but still i new the only reason i was was because i was scared, scared if i look at reality i wont be able to take it.

theres wispered silences in my house today. my grandma has two cancerous growths, but she'll be fine its not the first time this has happened to her. my mum on the otherhand has found the exact same thing.

im scared.

im scared of messing up again, so i dont think im even going to be able to restart that friendship simply because i dont want to be hurt like that. not again, not like before, or the time before that.

i want to love recklessly
abandon myself upon you
i wanna open up my heart
tell you how i feel

thats what i want. but i cant do it. i cant look you in the eye and tell you my secret. my horrible, dark, painful, shameful secret. instead i say im unsure and broken. and either way it hurts.

but this way you dont know how much.

(soz for the weird shizz but yeah)

gerks

xoxo