cold turkey

so here i am once again, my mistakes limiting my future. well done kirstyn really.

see i did something which helped two people in a very bizarre way, the problem is theres a punishment for my "helpfulness" (and i use that term lightly) which is probably one of the harder things i have had to do.

i've quit drugs, stopped obsessions, killed habits, stopped letting individuals carry on being in my life. but going cold turkey on my brother. MY BROTHER. thats something i dont know if i want to be strong enough for. last time i did it was bad very bad for both of us.. and well a few other people. I know that i can and i have to in order to save a very valuable friendship, its just this, this isnt something i had planned out there is no backup plan. no sneaky ideas to get my way, no tricks, no lies, no manipulation, nothing i can use to get things the way i want them. Because that would defeat the purpose.

i have always looked at things in the bigger picture, and i do whatever i can to get the best possible outcome whether thats for me my friends or something completely different. I did what i had to do to make the bigger picture work. its the smaller picture here and now im struggling with. see when repercussions of my actions happen i know what they are how long they'll last for and what the change will be.

the effects this time around short term are hard, going cold turkey on a friend is one thing. on a BROTHER slightly different. i've never done this before as a "punishment" type thing. my two main concerns are that i will 1) give in and start talking to him hence betraying a friendship and a trust in me or 2) watch myself crash and burn due to the fact that well its me and i have a tendency to do that.

so yeah all in all a bad week where i made good decisions that hurt me.

xoxo